A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.

An engineer dies and goes to heaven. When he reaches the pearly gates St.Peter tells him he is in the wrong place and sends him straight to hell. A few weeks later God calls Satan to see how things are going.
Satan tells him "Hey it's great down here since you sent me the engineer. We've got air conditioning, swimming pools, everything a person would ever want - it's great!"
God freaks out - "That was a mistake - send him right back!"
Satan laughs, "No way. We're keeping him."
God threatens, "I'll sue!"
To which Satan replies: "Yeah right. Where are -YOU - going to get a lawyer??"

Hank finally found the nerve to tell his fiancé that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.
"Not on her best day." He replied
"Does she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"
"No, she's broke."
"Well then, is it sex?"
"Nobody does it like you, babe."
"Then what is it, what can she do that I can't?"
"Sue me for child support."

His & Her Diary
Her Diary:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else. I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???

His Diary:
Shitty day at work. Tired. Got laid though.

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."
The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."
The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather for the remaining of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for a week. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "My radio is broken."

A heart-warming story of the advances of women in achieving equality throughout the world....
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvellous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" "Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

Two Aussies, Davo and Johno, were adrift in a life boat. While rummaging through the boats provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie, however stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the "hard earned thirst" quencher. The genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment Johno said: "Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat".

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young guy walked up to the bench and sat down. He had his hair spiked and all different colours - green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared at him.
The young guy said, "What's the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild in your life?"
The old man replied, "Got drunk once and fucked a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

A married couple and their son walk into an ice-cream shop.
The dad says "I'll have a chocolate."
The wife says "I'll have a vanilla."
Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head and says "What do you want fat head?"
The lady helping them, stares in shock at the man and asks "Why did you hit him in the back of the head and call him fat head?"
The father stares back and explains, "There are three things in life a man wants: The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice big truck sitting out there??? That's my nice big truck!!! The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house. You've seen that nice big house on top of the hill at the edge of town? Well that's my big house!!! The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy, and I had that too until fat head here came along!!!

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly one day so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. That day her husband also comes home unexpectedly, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here"
The Lover says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball"
Lover: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Lover: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside"
Lover: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$25."
In the next few weeks, it happens again and the boy and the lover find themselves in the closet together again.
Boy: "Dark in here"
Lover: "Yes, it is"
Boy: "I have a baseball mitt."
Remembering the last time, he asks, "how much?"
Boy: "$75"
Lover: "Fine"
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball around."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
Father:"How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$100"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The Priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"

A drunken man was casually taking a leak into a drinking fountain in the park. A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically. "What the hell do you think your doing. There's a public toilet 20 meters from here!"
The man, amazed, yells back. "What do you think I have, a fucking hose?"

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am."
The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

ONE BORING AFTERNOON, Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade when his telephone rang.
"Hello Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice says, "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy?", Saddam replies "This indeed is important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," says Paddy after a moment's calculation "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry and the entire dominoes team from the pub - That makes 8!"
Saddam sighs and says "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my word"
"Oh shit,? says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!?
Sure enough, the next day Paddy rings back "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"What equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asks.
"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm"
Once more Saddam sighs and says "I must tell you Paddy that I have 16 thousand tanks, 2 thousand mine layers, 14 thousand armoured cars and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke"
"Fuck me!" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.
"Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've kited out old Ted's cropsrayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Once more Saddam sighs and says "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers and 20 thousand Mig 109 high manoeuvrability attack planes and my military complex is surrounded by laser guided surface to air missile sites and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million"
"Oh Bollocks" says Paddy "I'll have to ring you back"
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war"
"I'm very sorry to hear that" says Saddam "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy "We've all had a chat and there's no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners"

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?".
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. "Sheila," he says "Not only are you a great root, but you're a real sport too."
He drives off.

A wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looked at him and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up at her and replied, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
"That's right," she replied. "And do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nods and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?"
He responded, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, 'Ohhhhhhh, Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!'"
She giggled and said, "Yes, That was it. That was exactly what you said and now it's 20 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again, he looked up at her and said, "Mission Accomplished."

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find out that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl. He planned several time to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing..."I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone...."

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"
The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and left them there. As the water boiled and the heat grew more and more intense, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary can't believe it! He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
Gagging with laughter, the other missionary said, "I just pissed in the soup!"

A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find the herd.
After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Hmm, buffalo come."
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything. How do you know buffalo come"?
The Indian replies, "Ear sticky."

A little girl was leading her dog through the park when an old man stopped her, saying, "That sure is a pretty dress you're wearing."
The little girl smiled and said, "Thank you, sir. My mama bought it for me. This is my dog Porky."
The old man chuckled. "I'll bet a nickel I can guess why you call him that."
She shook her head. "I'll bet you can't."
He laughed and said, "You called him Porky because he's so fat."
She shook her head. "No sir, we call him that because he fucks pigs."

A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?"
"Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!" The woman yells back at him.
"Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused. "It must be your feet then."

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of off-colour and "dumb blonde" jokes, when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands up and says:
"I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, DICKHEAD! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential...because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to Discrimination laws in every civilised country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!

A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman, so he climbs on top of her.
"Can I turn the light off?" he asks.
"Why?" she replies, "Are you feeling a bit shy?"
"No," he says, "it's burning my arse!"

Dave had felt guilty all day long. No matter how hard he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming, but every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him,
"Dave, don't worry about it. You weren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go!"
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Dave, you're a vet...."

A guy calls into work and says "Boss I can't come into work today,I'm sick."
His boss asks, how sick are you.
The guy says, "I'm at home fucking my sister how sick is that?"

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs closes fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. 60 seconds later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He sees bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue the head. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the him at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some bastard puts a fucking swimming cap on me!"

There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. The first old lady had an immediate stroke. Then, the second old lady looked up and she too had a stroke. The third old lady had arthritis and couldn't reach that far.

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.
One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."
The other nun whispers, " It's the cobblestones."

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to  him has a black  eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey, this is a  coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got  yours?"
The second guy says, "Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident. I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive boobs in the world was there. So instead  of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd  like two pickets to Tittsburgh'....so she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife,'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said,  'You have ruined my life, you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch."

This boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together. When they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbour . . ."
At this time of the night no one will show up."
"I've already said NO, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowjob . . . I know you like it too."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
"Baby . . . don't be like that."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with hair a mess, rubbing her eyes and says...... "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come down and blow the guy himself, but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The last worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day:
First worm died.
Second worm died.
Third worm died.
Fourth worm was still alive.

Lesson:
As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.
In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I'm sorry, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married."
"Sure, Why not," laughs the man.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own fucking blanket."

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car".

At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that the old fellow could over exert himself. After the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.
Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him,
"I am really impressed that a man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're a great lover Morris."
Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says," I was here already?"

Usually everyone who has had a dog called him Rover, Prince, Spot or some such thing. I called mine 'Sex'.
On reflection I realise this was not a good thing to do. Apart from anything else 'Sex' is very embarrassing name.
As I grew up I wanted to show everyone that I could be responsible and decided that Sex needed to be licensed. So one day I went to the town hall to get a dog license. I walked up to the clerk and said I wanted a license for Sex. He said he would like to have one too, but it wasn't necessary.
"But this one's a bitch" I said, trying to explain.
"I don't really care what she's like" said the clerk, looking a little flustered.
"But I've had Sex since I was twelve and I want to do the right thing" I said, also getting flustered.
At this point he summoned security. I was dragged outside. Beaten up and told not to come back again.
A couple of years later I met a girl. We got on fine and she seemed to love Sex as much as I did. Eventually I asked her to marry me and she said yes. We set a date and went to see the minister. I told the minister that I wanted Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the ceremony. I complained that Sex had played such a big part in my life and that my fiance loved Sex as much as I did. He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and was reconsidering allowing the wedding in his church. I told him that all our friends would also like to have Sex there as well.
We got married by a justice of the peace and my family is barred from the church.
One day I took Sex for a walk and she did the bolt on me. I spent hours looking for that dog, roaming the streets and parks way into the night. Eventually a policeman saw me looking in an alley at about 4am and asked what I was up to. "I'm looking for Sex", I said. My case comes up next week.
Unfortunately the marriage didn't last long. When my wife and I separated she took me to court to fight for the custody of Sex. I pleaded my case, saying that I had Sex long before I was married.
"Me too" said the Judge.
I then told the judge that after we were married, and Sex left me, I searched the streets for hours to find Sex while she sat at home. Needless to say she got everything, including custody of the dog.
Well now I'm alone again and in therapy. On my first visit to the psychiatrist she asked me what I thought the problem was. I told her that Sex has left my life and it felt like losing my best friend. I told her how lonely I was without Sex. She just looked at me.
"Look" she said "we both know that sex isn't man's best friend. So why don't you just get a yourself a DOG".

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the drive way, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs..."Honey pack your bags. I won the lottery".
The husband says "Oh my god!!! No shit! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
The wife yells back "It doesn't matter, just get the fuck out!!!

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a stranger standing there.It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger."Can you give me push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

A man goes to the doctor and says,"Doctor, I've got this problem you see,only you've got to promise not to laugh."
The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a doctor, I've never laughed at a patient."
"OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes.
"I'm so sorry," he says to the patient,"I don't know what came over me, I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, The Long Ranger wakes his faithful friend.
"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" ask the Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks: "Tonto, you dumb cunt, someone has stolen our tent!"

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realised that all the pets there were too expensive.
She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive."
"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50. Would you like to see it?"
"$50? For a frog?" asked the woman.
The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs."
The woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought this was a hell of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit sceptical, but said he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job. Around two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen, she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table looking through cookbooks.
"What are you two doing at this hour?" asked the woman.
The husband looks up at her and says, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your arse is outta here".

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He needed make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new image." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see,... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half wide."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . . 7 5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!"
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size 34 It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
The Doctor looked at the man, and replied, "Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife.
"Take off your clothes, Mrs Thomas," the Doctor requested. "Now turn all the way around...Lie down please...Uh- huh, I see. OK, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildoes h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about ten inches apart, asked, "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"
"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."
Forming a five-inch circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them ab-b-bout thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well yes, ma'am, a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"
"Yes, ma'am, one of them does."
"W-w-ell th-then, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing.  So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.  He tries to stand one more time, same result.  He figures he will crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and again falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands and falls flat on his face for the fourth time.  He crawls through the door into his bedroom.  When he reaches his bed, he tries one last time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly, "So, you've been out drinking again?"
"What makes you say that?" he asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called.  You left your wheelchair there again."

One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves." Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Bill. The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Clinton took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
"Aye, that I did--Mrs. Riley's left tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"

What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do?
Stays awake night wondering if there is a dog.

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One... ONE! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT! ...AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID FUCKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE! THE HOUSE! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE......I'm sorry, what was the question?

A little old lady moves to a new town and goes to her local grocery store to buy some cat food. She picks up 3 cans and takes them to the check-out counter.
The girl at the cash register says, "I'm sorry but we can't sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. Lots of older people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the food for a real cat."
The little old lady doesn't like it, but she goes home and brings her cat back to the store. They sell her the cat food. The next day she goes in to buy 3 cans of dog food. Again the cashier demands proof that she has a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food. She angrily goes home to get her dog. When she brings him back, she gets her dog food.
The next day she comes into the store carrying a box with a hole in the lid. When she asks the cashier to stick her finger in the hole, the cashier refuses.
"No, you might have a snake in there!"
The old lady insists, telling her that there's nothing alive in the box. So the cashier puts her finger in the box and feels something odd. She pulls her finger out and says, "Eww, that smells like shit!"
The little old lady says, "It is. Now can I buy 3 rolls of toilet paper?"

Becky was on her deathbed. Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his face. His praying roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Jake," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."
She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. " I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
"I know," he replied. "That's why I poisoned you."

An Indian war party capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief.
The chief says to the cowboy, "You are going to die but, since you are a warrior, so we will give you one request a day for three days. On sundown of the third day, you die. What is your first request?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."
The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians look at each other, and the chief comments "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What is your request today?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.
The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This is your last request, white man. What you want?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse.
The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, you dumb fuck! P-O-S-S-E!"

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, called his wife by many endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice. After all these years, you still call your wife those pet names."
Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell the truth, I forgot her name years ago."

Two Eskimos sitting in their boat were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the boat, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He sidled up to the bar and announced, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind, drove a tractor and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," she said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Amal. The other went to a family in Spain, and they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished that she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responded, "But they're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

One particular Christmas, a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs Claus told him that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
Then when he went to harness the reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out - heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffeepot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cursed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree

Once upon a time there were a horse and a chicken who were good friends. They lived on a farmyard with lots of other animals and were very happy. One day, while they were playing near the farm's pond, the horse stepped into a hole of quicksand. The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend, the chicken, to save him.
The chicken thought for a minute, then ran away. The chicken ran back to the farmhouse, and jumped into the farmer's 735csi BMW. Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to start the car, and put it in gear. It raced over to the sinkhole, where the horse had almost disappeared by now. The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and threw the other end around the front legs of the horse. The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas. Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety. The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: You just saved my life. Thank you! The chicken just said, Don't mention it - That's what friends are for!! They returned the BMW and went out to dinner together in the barn yard.
A few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse allowed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene. There was his best friend, the chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand! The sand was already up to it's neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped.
The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight and the farmer had gone to town with his BMW. What to do? The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over the hole. His member was dangling down right above the poor chicken. Here, my friend, grab my dick and I will pull you to safety! With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big horse-dick and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe. The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted: Now You saved my life, my friend!! The horse just smiled.
And what is the moral of this story? ...
If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

John was a sales clerk in a small store, but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. The store owner had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering the owner's warning, John sold the man a box of laxatives and instructed him to take the entire box all at once. The customer immediately consumed the entire box in the store and then walked outside and leaned against a lamppost. The store owner had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted laxatives and told him to take it all at once."
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" the owner shouted angrily.
"Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamppost. "Look at him. He's too afraid to cough."

A young guy moves to Sydney and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager said, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid said , "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
Well, the manager liked the kid, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
The kid said, "One."
The manager said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid said , "$101,237.64."
The manager said, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
"First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."
The manager said, "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!"
"No no no"said the kid, "he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, "Well, since your weekend's fucked, you might as well go fishing."

A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then POOF! - she was gone.
After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussywillow." Harry yells back......"DON'T SWING FRED!!! For God sake, DON'T SWING!!"

Farmer Joe was in an accident with a semi-truck. Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine.'"
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the...."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, you were fine?"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer, and I was driving down the road . . . "
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
But by this time, the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown in one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'''

"How was golf, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf any more," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"Where's what?."

A priest is giving confession but he drank a little too much communion wine before hand and had to piss really badly. So he stepped out of the confessional and called over a novice.
"Would you mind sitting in for me while I piss?"
The novice being a willing soul said sure no problem. So the priest showed the novice a list of sins and the corresponding penances to go along with them. The novice was pretty secure that he had things under control.
The novice was going along giving away Our Fathers, Hail Marys, Rosaries and everything was going good. Then a lady came.
"Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I gave my boyfriend a blowjob' she said.
The novice looked on his list for blowjob but couldn't find it. He crossed reference it with Head, Sucked Dick, and Oral Sex but couldn't find a penance.
So he asked an Altar Boy, "Hey, what does the priest give for a blowjob?"
To which the kid replied, "He usually gives us two candy bars and a soda."

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "I wish I had your willpower."

Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Steve throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!"
Tony says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually, Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says: "Nowainaminit,I can e'splain everything! Itsh not what you think. I only had a couple drinks. But this other guy got sick on me... he'd had one too many and he just couldn't hold his liquor. He said he was very sorry an' gave me $20 bucks for the cleaning bill!"
Jane looks in the breast pocket and says: "But this is forty bucks."
"Oh, yeah... I almos' forgot" says Steve, "he shit in my pants, too."

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse at a distance of about 50 feet. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The onlooker couldn't stand the curiosity.
She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The widow replied "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?" the curious woman asked.
The widow replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The widow answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. "Could I borrow that dog?"
The widow answers, "Get in line."

This bloke is sitting reading his Sydney Morning Herald newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What the fuck was that for" he says.
"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name Mary-Ellen written on it," she replies
"Don't be daft," he explains, "Two weeks ago when I went to Randwick races & Mary-Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
She seems satisfied and at this apologises, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around, he says, "What the hell was that for?"...........
"Your fucking horse phoned."

Queen Mum greeted in heaven by Dianna.
The Queen Mum says she would like a Halo just like hers'.
Dianna says "don't take the piss out of me granny, its just a fucking steering wheel ..."

A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream!
"What was that," she asks.
"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter. "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo."
A few seconds later, she hears another agonised scream, this one even more terrible than the one before.
"What was that," she asks anxiously.
"Oh, don't worry," replies Saint Peter soothingly. "It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings."
The lady starts to back away.
"Where are you going," queries Saint Peter.
"I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you" she answers.
"But you can't go there," says Saint Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomised!"
"It's OK," says the lady. "I've already got the holes for that.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat." "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet,- replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people"
God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot. Can you see the balance?"
"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah" said God. "That's Australia, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, stream and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, unbeatable cricket and rugby players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then "You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the ugly, whining, sheep rooting, Kiwi prickss I'm putting next to them".

A farmer is sitting in the village pub getting pissed. A friend comes in and asks the farmer, 'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?'
Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'
Man: 'So what happened that is so horrible?'
Farmer: 'Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over'
Man: 'That's not so bad, what's the big deal?'
Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain. '
Man: 'So then what happened?'
Farmer: 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.'
Man: 'Again? So what did you do then?'
Farmer: 'I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. '
Man: 'And then what.'
Farmer: 'I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.'
Man: 'Wow, you must have been pretty upset.'
Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'
Man: 'So then what did you do?'
Farmer: 'Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.'

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......
Fuck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

A guy walks into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard. As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to her self, I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us."
Mildred turned to her and cried "Oh shit! Am I driving?"

One afternoon a little girl returned from school, and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from.
Amused, her mother replied: "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"
The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the Mummy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thingee sort of stands up, and then Mummy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies."
Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said, "Oh, Darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewellery."

A man in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds then it comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times, all the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window. Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite!"

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children." You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go..."

Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist. She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist ...and she was going to propose to him.
Her friend said, " Marsha you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men who adore you. Why this dentist?"
"Because he is the First man that ever said to me.... SPIT, don't SWALLOW."

The Pope was having a shower and although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the wrists. Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.
"Hold on a mo...you can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church."
"This picture is my lottery win," said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life with this!"
So the Pope offered to buy the camera and after lots of negotiations they arrived at two million quid. The Pope then dried himself and headed off with his new camera.
He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera and remarked: "That looks like a really good camera. How much did it cost you?"
"Two million quid," replied the Pope.
"TWO MILLION QUID?!" yelled the housekeeper, "Boy, they must have seen you coming".

A teacher in a classroom in England asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence.
Ronald the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Ronald" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch Brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious.

A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to write with it. He looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then, realising his mistake, he says, "Well, that's great, just great, some asshole's got my pen".