A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp.
"Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."
"I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."
The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house."
The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?"
The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. Pack your fucking bag's and get out! I told her."
"What about your friend?" asked the bartender.
"I looked him straight in the eye and said, Bad dog! Bad dog!"

A couple is taking a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come upon a wishing well. The woman leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a quarter.
Her husband decides he wants to make a wish as well. Unfortunately, he leans over too far, falls down into the well, and drowns.
The woman stands there shaken for a moment, and then exclaims, "HOLY SHIT, IT WORKS!!!"

A guy went into a public washroom and had to use the only available urinal, which was between two elderly men. He glanced to his left and saw the guy pissing, but there were two streams.
"What the hell is that?" he asked.
"War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes."
Then the guy looked to his right and saw three streams.
"What the hell is that?"
"War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes."
The two veterans then looked over at the guy in the middle and saw 12 streams! "War wound?" they both asked.
"Naah, my zipper's stuck."

Three generations of prostitutes were sitting around the dinner table. The daughter asked the mother - "Mum, nowadays we charge $50 dollars for a head job. How much did you used to charge in your day?"
The mother replied - "We used to charge about 10 pounds"
She then asked her grandmother - "Grandma, how much did you charge in yourday?"
To which her grandmother replied - "It was the Great Depression. We were just grateful for something warm to drink."

There's a Canadian, an American and a beautiful girl sitting next to each other in a train, with the girl in the middle. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Canadian are sitting there looking perplexed. The American is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.
The American is thinking: "Damn it, that Canadian must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me."
The girl is thinking: "That American must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Canadian instead and got slapped."
The Canadian is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that fucking American again."

A man in a bar saw a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he commented, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing!"

A truckie has been out on the road for three weeks and stops at a brothel just outside of Sydney. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $1000 and says, "I want the ugliest woman in the house and a cold spaghetti sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "Are you stupid or something, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course gourmet meal."
The truckie replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.
They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:" I've come for some courage.
"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., I... think I need a brain."
"DONE" says the Wizard."WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
"Is Dorothy here?"

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman then gave the officer her license.
"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?"
She says, "What's that?"
He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear."

Two men went golfing. One man took his pipe out of his golf bag and asked the other one if he had a lighter. The second man pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter and handed it to him. The first man said "Where did you get that?"
The second man said, "From my genie." The man pulled a lamp out of his bag and rubbed it. The genie appeared and asked what he wanted. He said a million bucks and the genie went back into the lamp. As soon as he disappeared, a million ducks flew overhead.
"Wait a minute," the first man said, "that's not what you asked for."
The second man said, "Yeah I know, my genie has bad hearing. Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch Bic?"

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun.
"You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"
The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"
The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.
The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"
The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.
The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit.
"Lion," they reprimand, "why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little fucker has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

A biker comes home from a long day on the road and says to his ole' lady:
"Hey babe, I could sure use a little pussy."
She says, "So could I. Mine's as big as a bucket!"

A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex.
To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex. The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no.
"Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no. "Twice a week?"
"No."
"Twice a month?"
"No."
When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes. The therapist was angry that his theory hadn't worked with this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"
The man answered, "Tonight's the night!"

Jesus walks into a hotel, slams 3 stakes down on the counter and asks the desk clerk, "Can you put me up for the night?"

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animal's skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.
This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a .22 rifle."
He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion." Fingering the bullet hole, he added, "The rifle was a .308."
He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn't get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?"
His wife replied angrily, "From me!"
"What did I do?" he asked.
She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, skunk, killed with an ax!"

A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people showed up. One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties, and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age.
The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugarcoat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl said, "I'll go first." She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, and then rested his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth was on the floor. He said, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turned to the young man and asked, "Can you top that?"
The young man replied, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "No I didn't, I said she was fucking Goofy."

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes."

Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said, "Why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something."
Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned. Martin replied, "Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock-sucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the mother-fucker back up."
Martin's mother screamed, "Wait until your father gets home!"
When Martin's father got home, she told him to ask Martin what he had learned today. When Martin told him the whole story, dad said, "Martin, go outside and get me a switch."
Martin replied, "Get fucked. That's the electrician's job."

A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner
The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, "Single, huh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How'd you guess?"
He says, "Because you're ugly."

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months... and they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard down.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer??!!"

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired.
"Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

Sean and Jason were in a bar, and they went into the toilet to take a leak. While standing at the urinal Sean confessed, "I wish I had a dick like my cousin James. He needs four fingers to hold his.
Jason looked over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours with four fingers."
"I know," said Sean, "but I'm pissing on three of them."

The doctor comes back and says, "George, I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."
George is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, a box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
George asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by. The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!"
One banana turns to the other and says, "Do you believe that shit?

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, " You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, why don't you fuck off."

<It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small Chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "Do we have to go through this shit every day? I haven't made the fucking porridge yet!"

A young blonde woman, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters of Sydney Harbour.
As she stood on the edge of the dock, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by.
"You're not thinking of jumping, are you?" he asked.
"Yes, yes I am." replied the sobbing girl.
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge, "Look, nothing's worth that. I tell you what, I'm sailing off for Europe tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there? I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night, and I'll look after you if you 'look after' me."
The girl, having no better prospects, agreed and the sailor snuck her on board that night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor would come to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and make love to her until dawn.
Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship & it's lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled young woman and demanded an explanation.
The young woman came clean; "I've stowed away to get to Europe. One of the sailors is helping me out, he set me up in here and brings me food and water every night, and..... he's also screwing me."
The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a small grin cracked his face and he replied "He sure is, this is the Manly Ferry"

Psychiatric Hotline
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal-retentive, please hold.

In this little bar, sitting on a stool at the bar all by himself, was a 6 foot 5 inch 350 pound Kiwi having a few beers minding his own business. A little queer comes in and sits down right beside the big Kiwi.
The Kiwi looks at the queer not saying anything and goes back to drinking his beer and minding his own business. The little queer has 3 or 4 beers and goes to the washroom for a leak, he returns to the same stool beside the big Kiwi with no conversation between the two. The queer has 3 or 4 more beers and finally has enough nerve to say something to the big Kiwi. He leans over cupping the big Kiwi's ear asking him if he would like a blowjob.
With that the big Kiwi drills the little queer between the eyes knocking him off the stool. The Kiwi proceeded to beat the little queer all the way out the front door to the parking lot where he leaves him near death. The big Kiwi returned to his stool in the bar like nothing had happened where he finished his beer, then asks the bartender to please give him another.
The bartender brought over another beer right away, and had never seen the Kiwi get that excited before, asks him just what the little queer said to him.
The big Kiwi replied "I'm not sure...he said something about a job."

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Canterbury and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Canterbury Bankstown fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Bulldogs fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Bulldogs fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Bulldog fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Raiders fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Raiders fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from Canberra, and my mum is a Raiders fan and my dad is a Raiders fan, so I'm a Raiders fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Raiders fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Bulldogs fan."

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the beers and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.'
'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.'
Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?'
Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without beer.
Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless.
'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.'
Five more days pass. Joe realises that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'I knew it!,.....I'm not fucking going'

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began to hassle him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't"!!

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a couple are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a loose-fitting, spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing jeans and a T-shirt.
As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes mad. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and suggests that his wife teases the poor creature some more. He gets her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at the ape, and play along. She does, and the Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and the Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says.
This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips. With that, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to The cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hrs later, he goes to his wife again and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hrs to live. Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, his wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as Morris gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realises that he now has only 8 hrs left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please .... just one more time before I die."
She says, "Of course, dear," So they make love for a third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, thinking about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to only 4 more hours. He taps his wife on the shoulder and wakes her up, saying, "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...?".
At this point the wife sighs and sits up in bed, and says ..... "Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning.
You don't."

A young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. He practiced every day, but knew he was still missing something that would make him the best.
One night, as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. So the young fella went over to the old man and told him his dream.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "I have a suggestion that is sure to help."
"Tell me, tell me," said the young man.
"Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"Definitely," said the old man.
The young gunman did what he was told, then in a flash he drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?"
"Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"It sure will," said the old man.
The young guy did what he was told, drew his gun in a blur and shot the cufflink off the piano player.
"This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?"
"One more thing," said the old man, "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."
The young man didn't hesitate but started putting the grease just on the barrel of the gun.
"No, the whole gun, handle and everything," said the old man.
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"No," said the old man, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano and shoves that gun up your ass, and it'll go in a whole lot smoother."

In a city park stood two beautiful statues, one female and the other male, both nude. These two statues faced each other for many, many years (Naked, remember!).
Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "The two of you have been truly exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people that have visited the park over the years.
I am hereby authorised by God to give you the greatest wish that can be bestowed on you. I grant you the gift of life - albeit as a limited offer. You have 30 minutes to do whatever your hearts desire."
And with that command, he two statues came to life. They smiled at each other, slowly moved their limbs about in wonderment, looked all around and then at their own bodies and finally back at each other. Still smiling they then ran to the nearby woods and dived behind a large bush.
The angel smiled to herself as she listened to the giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. Even angels knew of such things! After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, looking extremely satisfied and wearing nothing but even bigger smiles than before.
Puzzled, the angel looked at her watch and said to them, "You still have fifteen minutes. Wouldn't you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
"OH, YES!", the female statue replied. "But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head!"

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said that it didn't.
The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
"But you can't get pregnant from anal sex, can you?" She asked.
The Doctor stared at her, surprised, "Where do you think lawyers come from" he said.

A priest and a rabbi are walking down a street when they see a little kid up ahead. The priest says to the rabbi "Hey, want to screw that kid?" and the rabbi says, "Out of what?"

A woman meets a top bloke in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."