Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said, "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little boy said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, "Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it."
To go along with the cop, the little boy said, "Nice horse you got sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, He sure did," said the cop.
The little boy looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa to put the prick underneath the horse instead of on top of it."

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful." replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a contractor or a consultant.

Recent research shows that there are five kinds of sex.
The first kind of sex is Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The second kind of sex is Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The third kind of sex is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex in your bedroom.
The fourth kind of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "Fuck You".
The fifth kind of sex is Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

A study in Scotland showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending upon where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features, and if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple.

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom "You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it is time we started swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"OK, OK" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he would like for his breakfast.
"Oh shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"
WHACK ! ! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know" he blubbers, but it won't be fucking Coco Pops!"

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."

The preacher rose with a red face.
"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the KKK. This is a horrible lie and one which I cannot tolerate. I find it most embarrassing and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Slowly, a "drop dead" gorgeous blond with a body that would not stop, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the KKK. I just told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory, and because the bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time, gravity and child birth had taken their toll and she reckoned that with five children under her belt she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. "Who are these from?" she asked the nurse.
"They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I have received them."
"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient - that he wanted to show his thanks."
"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy
"The second is from your husband. He's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"
"Brilliant" said Lucy. "And the third?"
"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

Every Friday afternoon, a web designer goes a bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.
The bartender, who is used to weird nerdy types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the web designer makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologise for my stupid question, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"
The web designer replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."
The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know --she might say yes."
The web designer laughs. "Yeah, right -- how fucking likely is THAT to happen?"

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
"Because," replied the receptionist, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear" he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"Get the fuck away from me.... I think you're bad luck."

A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club. The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range. The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.
The golf pro says, "Not bad, Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast."
The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"
Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards.
Golf pro: "Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's dick."
She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
Golf pro: "Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth."

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over) I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"
I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop said "What.....a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"
I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."
The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge"

Little Johnny returns from school and tells his father he got an "F" in Arithmetic today.
"Why?" asks his father.
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said "6".
"But that's right," said his father.
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'
"What's the fucking difference?" asks his father.
"That's what I said!"

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So he found out from the local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation centre.
Man: "hello, what are you here to donate today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line.
Man: "Hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) "Unh unh."

Last month, a survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide. The only question asked was, "Would you please give your most honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a HUGE failure.

In Africa they did not know what "food" meant.
In Western Europe they did not know what "shortage" meant.
In Eastern Europe they did not know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they did not know what "solution" meant.
In South America they did not know what "please" meant.
In Asia they did not know what "honest" meant.
Down under they did not know anything except sheep.
And in the USA they did not know what "the rest of the world" meant.

A young lady says to a salesman, "I need some batteries for my vibrator."
He motions with his finger, "Come this way..."
She says, "If I could come that way I wouldn't need a fucking vibrator."

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"
Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He Snores while I Masturbate."

Difficult words to say when you are drunk......
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation

Impossible words to say when you are drunk.....
No, I don't want another drink
No Kebab for me, thanks
Sorry, but you are not quite good looking enough for me
Thanks, but I don't want sex
Good evening officer

On his recent tour of Australia, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the wild outdoors of northern Australia on an impromptu safari.
Deep into the bush, his 4X4 Popemobile, was driving alongside a river when there was an enormous commotion heard up ahead. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed in the river, a hapless man wearing a New Zealand football jumper, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot crocodile.
At that moment a speedboat containing three blokes wearing green & gold football jumpers roared into view from around a bend in the river. Spontaneously, one of the blokes took aim and fired a harpoon into the croc's ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached and pulled the Kiwi from the river and using long clubs beat the croc to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious Kiwi into the speed boat along with the dead croc and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore.
It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the river bank. Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said: "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Australia & New Zealand, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow." He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoon bloke asked the others: "Who the fuck was that???!"
"That," he answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well, the harpoon bloke replied, "he knows jack shit about croc hunting! How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"

John Howard rings the Queen and says "Liz I have a solution to the republican question - make Australia a kingdom"
ER2 replies "But John you need a King to become a kingdom - you're not a King"
"Well" says JH "make us a principality then"
And the Queen says "But John you need a Prince to become a principality - you're not a Prince"
JH: "Well then make us a duchy"
HRH: "But John you need a Duke to become a Duchy - you're not a Duke"
"Well" says John "I suppose we're stuck with being a Country then"

A ventriloquist visiting New Zealand is walking around a small town when he sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi "Can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He works me in the fields, feeds me great food and looks after me when I'm sick."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a fucking liar!"

A father was going to give his 10 yr old son the facts of life talk. The kid said he didn't want to know and started sobbing. The father was confused and asked him what was wrong.
The kid said, "When I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7 I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. And at 8 you hit me with the there's no tooth fairy speech. So if you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for!!!"

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said.
"I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "So, what's the catch?" he asked.

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says, "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball, he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. Might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you, too. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week? Is that all?!"
The golfer looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a horny priest in a small parish!"

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory, and because the bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time, gravity and child birth had taken their toll and she reckoned that with five children under her belt she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. "Who are these from?" she asked the nurse.
"They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I have received them."
"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient - that he wanted to show his thanks."
"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy
"The second is from your husband. He's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"
"Brilliant" said Lucy. "And the third?"
"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.
Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking.
Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"
"St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

A Polack was attacked by two muggers and fought like hell, but was finally subdued. His attackers then proceeded to go through his pockets.
"You mean you fought like that for 57 cents?" asked one of the muggers, incredulously.
"Is that all you wanted?" moaned the Pole. "I thought you were after the $400 in my shoe!"

A young Greek man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
The Greek mother replies "I don't like her."

Venanzio and Lorenzo were sitting on a bench in a New York park.
"Hey," said Venanzio, "do you likea biga fat woman with a longa straggley hair?" "No, I'ma no likea dat" replied Lorenzo.
"Den, you likea da woman with a garlic comin' from her mouth alla da time?" inquired Venanzio.
"Nope, I'ma no like dat kinda either!" said Lorenzo.
"You musta likea da woman with a big, thicka hips anna varicose veins, no?" asks Venanzio.
"Notta me!" answered Lorenzo.
"Den whya you keepa screwin' my wife?" Venanzio asked.

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realise there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser."
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood...sure enough he drops the other bar of soap. The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives one last despairing tug then yells, "Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion!"

An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin. The executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" Debra replied, "I feel like shit"

A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the local hospital, when during her tour of floors, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my GOD!" said the lady. "That's disgraceful; why is he doing that?"
The doctor leading the tour explained, "I am sorry, but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode and he will die within minutes."
"Oh, that's terrible," said the lady.
In the very next room they could see that a female nurse was performing oral sex on a different male patient.
"OH my GOD!" said the lady, "How can that be justified?"
The doctor replied, "Same illness, better health plan."

A guy works at a new job on Thursday, works Friday, but on Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in again and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss becomes very concerned about this and asks the foreman about him. The foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."
So the next morning the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. The foreman tells me you're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm screwing her."
The boss says, "You screw your sister?"
The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. He went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the same businessman returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport and, at the end of a long line of cabs, he saw the very driver who had refused him a ride when he was down on his luck. He thought for a moment and got into the first cab in the line.
"How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked.
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" he added.
"What? Get the hell out of my cab!"
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "Fifteen bucks." To which the businessman replied, "Ok," and off they went.
As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.

A guy is walking down the street when he sees an Irishman with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick.
Seeing the Irishman's ignorance, the guy wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long."
The Irishman grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot. I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"

A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?"
The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did and she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, register 5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen as way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said... "Clean up, register 5."

A blonde girl sat sobbing in the police station.
"I . . . I was raped by an Irishman," she wailed.
"How do you know it was an Irishman?" the detective asked.
"I had to help him," the girl replied.

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down one his knees, (so that he's on the same level with her), and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabbit?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says, "I don't fink my pyfon weally cares."

Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots.
So the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her, and I did.
"We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt, so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, 'Now go to town cowboy', so here I am."

Two lawyers had been marooned on a desert island for almost a year after their ship had sunk during a terrible storm. One day while walking along the beach, the two lawyers find a beautiful unconscious woman washed up on the shore.
The first lawyer asks the second lawyer, "Think we should screw her?", and the second lawyer replies, "Outta what?"

Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Steve throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!"
Tony says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually, Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says: "Nowainaminit,I can e'splain everything! Itsh not what you think. I only had a couple drinks. But this other guy got sick on me... he'd had one too many and he just couldn't hold his liquor. He said he was very sorry an' gave me $20 bucks for the cleaning bill!"
Jane looks in the breast pocket and says: "But this is forty bucks."
"Oh, yeah... I almos' forgot" says Steve, "he shit in my pants, too."

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, because it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she."

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

Arriving for her artificial insemination, Mrs. Aldiss was surprised when the attendant locked the door behind them and began taking off his clothes.
"And just what do you think you're doing?" she demanded.
"Sorry," said the young man, "but we're all out of the bottled stuff. I've got to give you draft."

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "That's the talking clock" the drunk replied.
"How does it work?" they asked.
"Watch" the man said, giving it an ear-shattering belt with a hammer.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "For fuck sake you wanker, it's ten past three in the fucking morning!"

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - jus anyting you want, you say. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want ...... numba 69"
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries, "You want ... Beef wif Broccori?"

A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialised in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.
After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage.
"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.
"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you."
They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.
"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."
"Well, no," said the owner, " I have something better in mind for you."
The man continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached.
"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.
The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking?" he exclaimed. "This dog seems quite tame. He doesn't act at all like an attack dog. HELL! He's just lying there, licking his ass!"
"Yeah, I know. He just ate a lawyer, and he's still trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

A "Husband Shopping Centre" was opened where a woman could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.
First floor, the door had a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up? So up they go.
Second floor, the sign says: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking". "Hmmm", say the girls, "but I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow!" say the women. "Very tempting, BUT, there's still two more floors! And so again, they go up.
Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!"
So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day"

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern, The husband leans over and asks his wife.
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you. "Yes she says I remember it well"
"Ok" he says "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old times sake"
"Oooooooh Henry, You Devil, that sounds like a good idea she answers."
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this: two old-timers having sex against a fence, I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. He follows them...
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks, Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers, she turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in, suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling "Ohhhh,God" he's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable, finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed, He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, "That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is." As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together, Is there some sort of secret?
"No, there's no secret" the old man says, "fifty years ago that darn fence wasn't electric."

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, so I need something to keep me horny, keep me potent".
The Pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label Viagra Extra Strength and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours".
The guy says, "Gimme three boxes".
The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy, limps up to the counter and pulls down his pants. The Pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and skin is hanging off in some places. In a pained voice the man moans out, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat".
The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put Deep Heat on that"!
The man replies, "No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up".

Jacob, age 92 and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore, Jacob suggests they go in.
Once inside Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob" "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety, The works."
Jacob" "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, Antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
The man replies "Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere..."

Harold is 82 and having some prostate problems. After examining him, the doctor gives him a specimen jar and says, "Take this home with you and try to produce a semen specimen. Stop by tomorrow and drop it off so I can run a few tests."
Harold takes the jar and heads home.
The next day Harold comes in and asks to speak with the doctor. When he is taken into the office the doctor asks how he made out. "Not good, doc" says Harold."I went home and tried to do what you said. I tried with my right hand 'til it was cramped from the arthritis and no luck. I tried with my left hand until I had blisters and no luck. I asked my wife to help me out, so she tried with her left hand and with her right hand and still no luck. She even tried with her mouth. She tried with her teeth in and she tried with her teeth out and no luck. Then we called Edna from next door to see if she could help."
"Good Grief Man!" exclaimed the doctor, "You asked your neighbour to help you?"
"Yep." says Harold, "None of us could get the lid off that damn jar!"