Lists to get you through the day

Another offering from the Tired Old Bastard

50 Things you don't want to see on your assessment

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3. I would not allow this man to breed.
4. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
6. When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
8. This man has delusions of adequacy.
9. He sets low personal standards and the consistently fails to achieve them.
10. This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts, the better.
11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
13. Slipped into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.
14. A room temperature I.Q.
15. Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds it together.
16. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
18. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
19. Bright as Alaska in December.
20. One-celled organisms outscore him in I.Q. tests.
21. Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using it.
22. Fell out of his family tree.
23. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the trains isn't coming.
24. This man has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
25. He's so dense,light bends around him.
26. If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.
27. Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a week.
28. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change back.
29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
30. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
31. One neuron short of a synapse.
32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he gargled.
33. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
34. Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.
35. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
36. A few clowns short of a circus.
37. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.
38. A couple of beers short of a six-pack.
39. A few peas short of a casserole.
40. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster died a long time ago.
41. One taco short of a combination plate.
42. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
43. All foam, no beer.
44. The cheese slid off his cracker.
45. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
46. Must be genetic, no one can achieve this level of stupidity.
47. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
48. As smart as bait.
49. Chimney's clogged.
50. Serves as an example to others, I'm just not sure what of.

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
8. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
9. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
10. Visualizing? I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you being competent.
12. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
14. And your cry-baby whiny opinion would be...?
15. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
16. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
17. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
18. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
19. So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
20. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
21. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
22. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
23. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
24. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
25. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
26. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
27. No, my powers can only be used for good.
28. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
29. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
30. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
31. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
32. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
33. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
34. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
35. Some day we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
4. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
5. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
6. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
9. Some Kittens Can Fly.
10. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
11. Grandpa Gets a Casket
12. Grandma's dead and rotting
13. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
14. Strangers Have the Best Candy
15. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
16. You Were an Accident
17. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
18. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
19. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
20. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
21. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
22. How to Dress Sexy for Grownups
23. All Dogs Go to Hell
24. Pussy Gets Feline Leukemia
25. What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people-- whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily out numbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.
14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
20. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
25. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

1. Your pot plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a single bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the weather on TV.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
8. You go from 130 days of holiday time to 28.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up,'
10.You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11.Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12.You don't know what time Burger King closes anymore.
13.Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14.You feed your dog Pal instead of McDonald's.
15.Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
16.You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17.Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18.MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19.You go to the shops for Asprin and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20.A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff,'
21.You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22.Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Coke & Timtams.
23."I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
24.Over 80% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
25.You don't have a few at home to save money before going to a pub.

A crocodile always grows new teeth to replace the old teeth
Porcupines float in water
The sloth (a mammal) moves so slowly that green algae can grow undisturbed on it's fur. (I know a few myself)
Cat's urine glows under a black-light
Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand. (putting on eyeshadow must be murder)
A hedgehog's heart beats 300 times a minute on average
A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside (And they tested this?)
Over 10,000 birds a year die from smashing into windows. (suicide or accident?)
Slugs have 4 noses. (you don't want to catch a cold with that)
Honeybees have a type of hair on their eyes
A jellyfish is 95 percent water. (5 percent gelatine)
Bats always turn left when exiting a cave
The praying mantis is the only insect that can turn its head
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat up one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now, that's more like it.)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.(In my next life I want to be a pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.(Still not over that pig thing.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper is always smiling? And why isn't the pig included in this list?)
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight, and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of....? Did the gov't pay for this research?)
Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew? Who cares? Did the gov't pay for this too?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live 9 days without its head before it starves to death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to it's body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Hi, honey. I'm home. What the...?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig. Quality over quantity, you know.)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez!)
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like this too.)
A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue(wish I knew someone like that)
Dolphins sleep with one eye open

Warning:Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
Warning:Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.
Warning:Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.
Warning:Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
Warning:Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.
Warning:Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Warning:Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.
Warning:Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something whose species, and/or name you can't remember
Warning:Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
Warning:Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.
Warning:Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
Warning:Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.
Warning:Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Warning:Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

Ausssies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other fans.
Canadians: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.
Aussies: Love to play sport so they can get drunk afterwards.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about ice hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate," and a heavy accent to everything they say.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor in a backwards country.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Go on about how some of their past citizens were once convicts, but none of that matters after several beers.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and avoid assimilation.
Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and dump their old ways.
Brits: Encourages immigrants to go to Canada or America.
Aussies: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and go on welfare.

Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.

Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great commedians, like John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!
Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them because they don't understand subtle humor.

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food (OK so it's not really an oxymoron)
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof (nor this one)
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock (ditto this one)
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security (not even close)
9. Political science (technically not one either)
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works(no, but funny)

* I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
* (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
* Nice legs...what time do they open?
* Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
* You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
* Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
* I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
* I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
* I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
* Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
* I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Kmart, so I could ride you all day long for a dollar.
* Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
* I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
* Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
* You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
* Are those real?
* You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
* I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
* If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
* (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
* You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
* You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
* F*@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
* Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom door.
* My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
* Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
* Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
* My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."
* Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
* My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
* I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
* If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
* Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
* Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
* Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
* Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
* I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
* Can you feel the magic between us... No? Lower!
* If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
AND FOR THE GUY WHO'S IN A HURRY:
* Hey nice shoes, wanna fuck?

"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."
"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my room mates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"It would take too long to explain," REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard," REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love," REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me," REALLY MEANS, "You want me to stay awake."
"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women."
"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses," REALLY MEANS, "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, wearing a thong."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing," REALLY MEANS, "I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"
"She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee."
"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present," REALLY MEANS, "It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game."
"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."
"This relationship is getting too serious," REALLY MEANS, "I like you as much as I like my truck."
"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."
"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.
14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.
15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.
17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).
20. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.
22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.
26. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.
27. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.
28. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".
29. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is a bloody sight worse than the flies.
30. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER!

10.Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9.Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8.See if they could finally do splits.
7.See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6.Cross their legs without rearranging.
5.Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.
4.Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more Without sleeping first.
3.Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2.Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
1.Finally find that damned G-spot!

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
11. SARCHASM: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it.
12. REINTARNATION: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
13. GIRAFITTI: Vandalism spray-painted very high.
14. FOREPLOY: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
15. INOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously.
16. OSTEOPORNOSIS: A degenerate disease.
17. KARMAGEDDON: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
18. GLIBIDO: All talk and no action.
19. DOPELER EFFECT: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
20. INTAXICATION: Euphoria at getting a refund from the ATO , which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Carcinoma (n.), a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent mindedly answer the door in your nightie. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. Bustard (n.), a very rude Metrobus driver. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. Cartoonist (n.), what you call your mechanic. Crestfallen (adj.), dropped toothpaste. Eyebrows (n.), what I do when I go shopping. Foreclose (v.), why teenagers go to the mall. Primate (n.), removing your spouse from the computer.

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He E-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
4. Your daughter sells fund raising chocolates via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
7. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
8. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
9. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
10. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
11. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
12. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multicolored Post-It(r) notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
20. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
24. You're reading this.
25. Even worse; you're going to forward it.

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been scared shitless too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.
21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. Tie the damn thing's front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

1. Wrap it in bacon.

1) MARKETING
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in university, concentrating instead on drinking and socialising which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

2) SALES
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree". You are also self-centred and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

3) TECHNOLOGY
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4) ENGINEERING
One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that engineers place ninety percent of all Personal Ads. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest ergonomic gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your carpal tunnel syndrome.

5) ACCOUNTING
The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organisation; combined with your extreme organisational traits, the majority of rumours concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6) HUMAN RESOURCES
Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organisation. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT
Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other middle managers as everyone in your social circle is a middle manager.

8) CUSTOMER SERVICE
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play Customer Service. Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

9) CONSULTANT
Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organisation in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

10) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER"
As a person that profits from the success of others, most people who actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

11) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO
You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

12) GOVERNMENT WORKER
Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job...Thus the term "GO POSTAL"

Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating.

Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.

Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Friday Night Football.

Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

Before - Don't Stop.
After - Don't Start.

Before - The Sound of Music.
After - The Sound of Silence.

Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before - Wheel of Fortune.
After - Jeopardy.

Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It's a nightmare.

Before - $60/dozen.
After - $1.50/stem.

Before - Turbocharged.
After - Needs a jump-start

Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
After - Ball and chain.

Before - Idol.
After - Idle.

Before - He's lost without me.
After - Why can't he ask for directions?

Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.

Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
After - Bagels and instant coffee.

Before - Oysters.
After - Fishsticks.

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?

Before - Romeo and Juliet.
After - Bill and Hillary..

Abra-Cababra: A magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast food vanishes down the performer's throat, and then shortly afterwards, it suddenly reappears on the taxi floor.

Aeroplane Blonde: One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a black box

Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

Back End of the Batmobile: The state of your Brass Eye soon after you eat a really Hot curry.
e.g."I had a Ring Stinger in the Benghazi restaurant last night, and now I've got a dose of Gandhi's Revenge. My arse feels like the back end of the Batmobile."

Badly Packed Kebab: A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.

Beaver Leaver: or Vagina Decliner. A homosexual.

Beer Coat: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.

Beer Scooter: The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it.
e.g. "I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".

BOBFOC: Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

Boiler Suit: The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and with phallus aforethought, score with a Bobfoc last night. This charge is usually brought by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on Saturday night.

Bone of Contention: A hard-on that causes an argument. e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.

Breaking the Seal: Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

Britney Spears: Modern Slang for 'beers'. e.g. "Couple of Britneys please Doreen". Bruce Lee: Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip). Budgie's Tongue: or Small Man In A Boat, or Tongue Punchbag. The female erection.

Bunny-boiler: An unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit boiling scene in the film "Fatal Attraction".
e.g. "I don't like the look of that aeroplane blonde -- could be a bunny boiler".

BVH: Blue-Veined Hooligan. The 1-eyed skinhead.

Cider Visor: Beer Goggles for the young drinker.

Cliterature: 1-handed reading material.

Cock-A-Doodle-Poo: The bowel movement that, needing to come out urgently, wakes you up in the morning to get to the toilet quick.

Crappuccino: The particularly frothy type of diarrhoea that you get when abroad.

Double Bass: A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

Drink-link: A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.

Etch-A-Sketch: Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.

Fizzy Gravy: or Rusty Water. Diarrhoea.

Flogging On: Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

Free the Tadpoles: Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.

Frigmarole: Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.

FuckShitFuckShitFuckShit: The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.

Going For a McShit: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.

Greyhound: A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

Hand-to-Gland Combat: A vigorous masturbation session.

Hefty Cleft: or Horse's Collar, or Welly Top. Description of a very large vagina.

Johnny-no-stars: A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant.The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

McSplurry: The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week in fast food restaurants.

Millennium Domes: The contents of a Wonderbra. i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.

Monkey Bath: A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".

Mumbler: An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc.
e.g. you can see the lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.

Mystery Bus: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

Mystery Taxi: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

NBR: No Beers Required. Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.

Nelson Mandela :Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).

One for the departure lounge: The need to defecate imminently.

Pearl Harbour: Cold (weather).
e.g. It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there!" Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air.

Picasso Arse: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

Ragman's Coat: Untidy and unkempt pubic hair.
e.g. "That mumbler looks quite fit but I bet she's got a kebab like a ragmans coat !"

Release the chocolate hostage: To defecate.
e.g. " I've got one in the departure lounge, so I'm just nipping out to release a chocolate hostage".

Salad Dodger: An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

Skin-Chimney: see Badly Packed Keba.

Sperm Wail: or Spuphemism. A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.

Starfish Trooper: or Arsetronaut. A homosexual.

Swamp-donkey: A deeply unattractive woman.

Tart fuel or Bitch piss: bottled Alcopops, regularly consumed by young women.

10-Pinter: Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.

2-Bagger: Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with. (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.)

Titanic: A lady who goes down first time out.

Todger Dodger: A lesbian.

Up on blocks: Menstruating. i.e. Out of action, a bit like a car in a garage.
e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads,the missus is up on blocks".

Wallace and Gromit: Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.

Wank Seance: During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.

Wynona Ryder: Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e.g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle of bitch piss please Doreen".

X-Piles: Unwanted visitors from Uranus.

10. Asks every caller, "Do you know how long it's been since I've had a date?"
9. Attempts a mind meld with your Pentium chip.
8. Insists you stay on the phone until you've gone through all five stages of grief
7. The answer to every question begins with the phrase, "Technology is like a box of chocolates..."
6. Tells you to perform a "quick uninstall" by waving a big magnet over your hard disk.
5. Regardless of the question, says you "must find the magic emerald to kill the ogre and get to the next level."
4. Antivirus program consists of chicken soup and plenty of rest.
3. In response to every question, instructs you to "please disrobe prior to the examination."
2. Takes credit for the Millennium Bug.
1. By following the laughter-stifled directions on installing RAM, you end up doing a perfect Macarena.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

20. "That's weird..."
19. "It's never done that before."
18. "It worked yesterday."
17. "How is that possible?"
16. "It must be a hardware problem."
15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
14. "There is something funky in your data."
13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
12. "You must have the wrong version."
11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
10. "I can't test everything!"
09. "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
08. "It works, but it hasn't been tested."
07. "Somebody must have changed my code."
06. "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
05. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
04. "You can't use that version on your system."
03. "Why do you want to do it that way?"
02. "Where were you when the program blew up?"
01. "It works on my machine."

1. Shafter (California, USA)
2. Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
3. Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
4. Bastard (Norway)
5. Twatt (Orkney, UK)
6. Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
7. Muff (Northern Ireland)
8. Wankie (Zimbabwe)
9. Climax (Colorado, USA)
10. Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
11. Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
12. Fukum (Yemen)
13. Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
14. Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
15. Turdo (Romania)
16. Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)
17. Seymen (Turkey)
18. Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
19. Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
20. Brown Willy (Cornwall,UK)
21. Wanks River (Nicaragua)
22. Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
23. Fuku (Shensi, China)
24. Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
25. Fukui (Honshu, Japan)
26. Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
27. Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
28. Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
29. Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
30. Chinaman's Knob (Australia)
31. Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)
32. Tittybong (Australia)
33. Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
34. Dikshit (India)
35. Wankener (India)
36. Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
15) Swat at flies that don't exist.
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask,"Got enough air in there?"
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM" and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space"

Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh." (umm OK, I'm sure the lamb appreciates that one)

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (OK, like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (...a brick????? A towel wouldn't do the trick????)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (wonder how they enforce that one?? wonder which head gets the chop ????)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (now let's just think for a minute...is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (the husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (of course!!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (I shudder at the thought)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (We have to presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law...)

In Maryland,USA, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (god bless the US)

1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
2. GOD MADE US SISTERS; PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.
6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. . . SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.
8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN-AND I HAVE A GUN.
11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO, BUT WHO CARES?
12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.
13. I HATE EVERYBODY...AND YOU'RE NEXT.
14. AND YOUR POINT IS...?
15. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
16. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
17. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
18. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
19. ALL STRESSTED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
20. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
21. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
22. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.
23. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP, AND EASY.
24. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
25. I JUST RAN OUT OF ESTROGEN; YOU JUST RAN OUT OF LUCK!

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

10. Keep telling the same person they have bad breath even if they don't, and then punch them in the face.

9. Announce in a meeting that you have AIDS. After everyone gives the sympathy remarks, tell everyone you were kidding and call them a bunch of queers.

8. Before a meeting, fill your mouth with custard. In the meeting pretend you're hocking up a loogie, spit it into a glass and hand it to the person next to you and say "BEAT THAT!!!"

7. Inform a male co-worker that he would make a good hooker, then piss in his coffee and tell him he needs a good ass fucking.

6. Always walk around with a big smile and keep one hand down the front of your pants.

5. Answer every question with " Fucked if I know...", then call the person a racial slur that doesn't even match their race.

4. Brag about the fact that you carry a gun, and keep playing with your nuts. Get them really sweaty and go around shaking everyone's hand.

3. Run down the hall with your dick out spraying piss everywhere yelling It won't stop! God help me it won't stop!" Then when it does, look down and go "Oh! I must have broke it"

2. Ask to borrow a co-worker's expensive pen - Bring it to the bathroom and stick it up your ass- return it to the person and tell them that it smells bad and tell them to smell it- when they say that it smells like shit, say "It should - I had it up my ass!!!"

1. Shit on your office floor and when someone comes in and sees it tell them it's the fake rubber kind. When they try to pick it up and realise that their hand is full of real shit - laugh and embarrass him in front of everyone.

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
- Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
- Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
-William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-Ernest Hemingway

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
-Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
-Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
- Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
-W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
-W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
- Michelle Mastrolacasa

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
-Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
- Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
-Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
-Winston Churchill

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
-Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
-Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold?
So you can distinguish it from urine.
-David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, tasty beer.
-Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
-Dave Barry

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
-Homer Simpson

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN
His first name was Jesus
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
He called everyone "brother"
He liked Gospel
He couldn't get a fair trial

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
He went into his father's business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure that he was God

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He worked in the building trades

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN
He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS GAY
He never got married
He always hung around with other guys
He wore a dress

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
She had to feed a crowd, at a moment's notice, when there was no food.
She kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
Even when she was dead, she had to get up because there was more work to do.