Lists to get you through the day Pt 2

Another offering from the Tired Old Bastard

Coca-Cola was originally green.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2) standard poodle; 3) golden retriever
Dumbest: afghan
Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
Men can read smaller print than women
Women can hear better than men.
Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served first class: $40,000
City with the most Rolls Royces per capita: Hong Kong
Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28
Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38
Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36
Percentage of men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80
Percentage of women who say they would marry the same man: 50
Percentage of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58
Percentage of women who say they are happier: 85
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3
Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90
Percentage of mammal species that are: 3
Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50
Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5
Only food that does not spoil: honey
The hummingbird is the only bird that can fly backwards
Antarctica is the only continent without reptiles.
Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: Pig
Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.
An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
Your nose and ears never stop growing.
Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets combined.
Hot water is heavier than cold.
The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.
They have square watermelons in Japan...they stack better.
Starfish have eight eyes -- one at the end of each leg.
Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.
First novel ever written on a typewriter was Tom Sawyer.
There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
Men get hiccups more often than woman.
Armadillos can be housebroken.
Most lipstick contains fish scales
One ragweed plant can release as many as one billion grains of pollen
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigleys gum
No piece of square dry paper can be folded more than 7 times in half
A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle, a group of geese in the air is a skein
Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people
There are more than 10 million bricks in the Empire State Building
If you counted 24 hours a day, it would take 31,688 years to reach one trillion
Taphephobia is the fear of being buried alive
The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth
Clinophobia is the fear of beds
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second
Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye"
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter of the alphabet
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable"
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds
The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1
The electric chair was invented by a dentist
Windmills always turn counter-clockwise. Except for the windmills in Ireland
The placement of a donkey's eyes in its' heads enables it to see all four feet at all times
Human teeth are almost as hard as rocks
Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone
The Earth weighs around 6,588,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons
A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off - it dies from starvation
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie
The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year
It's against the law to burp, or sneeze in a certain church in Omaha, Nebraska
You're born with 300 bones, but when you get to be an adult, you only have 206
Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete
It was once against the law to have a pet dog in a city in Iceland
Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day
Thomas Edison, lightbulb inventor, was afraid of the dark
During your lifetime, you'll eat about 60,000 pounds of food, that's the weight of about 6 elephants
Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food
The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is over 9000 years old
In space, astronauts cannot cry, because there is no gravity, so the tears can't flow
There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones
About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians died by the time they were 30
More people use blue toothbrushes, than red ones
A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 100 m.p.h.
Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe
In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons
Recycling one glass jar, saves enough energy to watch T.V for 3 hours
Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet
Owls are one of the only birds who can see the colour blue
It was once against the law to slam your car door in a city in Switzerland
There wasn't a single pony in the Pony Express, just horses
In Bangladesh, kids as young as 15 can be jailed for cheating on their finals
The katydid bug hears through holes in its hind legs
A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat your plate
More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money printed throughout the world
The starfish is one of the only animals who can turn it's stomach inside-out
The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump
The penguin is the only bird who can swim, but not fly
Q is the only letter in the alphabet that does not appear in the name of any of the United States
One quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different
There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and month
Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under his cap to keep him cool
He changed it every 2 innings
Fortune cookies were actually invented in America, in 1918, by Charles Jung
A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years
Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying
In Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs

1. Said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent.

2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

3. Brought her large dog to the interview.

4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.

5. Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.

6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.

7. Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.

8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.

9. Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.

10. Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office.

11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview.

12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president.

13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.

15. Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.

16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.

17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.

18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.

19. Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left.

20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.

21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal.

22. Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much.

23. While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.

24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologised and said he had to leave for another interview.

25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "l assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more. "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.

26. An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.

27. His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted make-up and perfume.

28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.

29. He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time.

30. Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.

31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking.

32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.

33. She threw-up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened.

34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that If he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk. (Wall Street Journal 1989)

35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.

1.) Remove film from box and load camera.
2.) Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3.) Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4.) Choose a suitable background for photo.
5.) Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6.) Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7.) Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8.) Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9.) Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10.) Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11.) Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
12.) Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13.) Put magazines back on coffee table.
14.) Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15.) Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16.) Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17.) Call spouse to clean up mess.
18.) Fix a drink.
19.) Sit back with a drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for face-cloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake dick at her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror, suck in your gut, look at pecs. Admire yourself in the mirror.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower).
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partially dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire self again.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass your wife, pull off towel, grab dick, go "Yeah baby!"
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to School for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere!

1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the ladies toilet.
3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. You've forgotten where you live.
12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the 60 cigarettes you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned like 10 times by now) you only smoke when you drink.
13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it
17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.
20. The man who is buying you drinks is your nasty asshole ex-husband, and you are feeling frisky. (time to go home ALONE).
21. You find out the man who you have been dancing with, kissing passionately, and who is taking your clothes off, on the dance floor, used to be a kid you babysat, or is your sons age. (not a bad thing other than you are now almost naked on the dance floor).
22. You've been to the ATM 6 times already and it's suddenly dawned on you that, "Rent just isn't a big deal this month..." Keep the drinks coming!

Houston Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked why he takes his wife on all the road trips: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."
Chicago Cubs Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
Upon hearing Joe Jacoby say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible for college because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks, explaining why he keeps a colour photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my fucking clothes."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
Shaquille O'Neal on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the training regime of heavyweight Andrew Lolota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road.. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)
Chuck Nevitt, basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (1982)
Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitcher Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in upcoming negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)
Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been coloured yet." (1991)
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."(1986)
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" (1991)
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)
Shelby Metcalf, Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." (1987)
(US golf commentator):" ...and Norman's four Skins are worth $270,000 ".
(NZ rugby commentator):"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him"
Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and was amazing."
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
Soccer commentator George Hamilton on Spain manager's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier: "He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!"
Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991: "The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense."
Winston Bennett: "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
Murray Walker: "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical"
Greg Norman: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"
Alan Minter: "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious"
John Francombe: "The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball "
Terry Venables "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"
Ron Atkinson: "I would not say he is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
Ron Atkinson: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces."
Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
David Coleman: "Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres."
Metro Radio: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Sue Barker: " and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs..."
Ron Atkinson: "Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
David Acfield: "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live "What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?"
David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics: "There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class"
USTV commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them........... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
Ainsley Harriott, C4: "When the American athletes were interviewed they were so sharp, so articulate -- they were kind of wow..."
David Beckham, OK Magazine : "I have a definite sense of spirituality. I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."
Lou Macari, TalkSport: "The first half was end-to-end stuff. In contrast, in this second half it's been one end to the other."
Alvin Martin, TalkSport: "He hasn't been the normal Paul Scholes today, and he's not the only one."
Archie Robertson, BBC News: "The rainfall has been up to six inches that I've heard of, which is unheard of."

Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth.
You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.
Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.
Cottonmouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.
A sheep won't get upset if you screw her sister.
Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.
Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early.
Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.
Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them.

Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, like your dad's going to quit banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane, son? Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to kiss my ass? Leave me a bottle of scotch and some Toblerone.
Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making Toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get Into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

Log On - Make the barbie hotter
Log Off - Don't add any more wood
Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbie
Download - Get the firewood off the ute
Hard drive - Trip back home without any cold tinnies
Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once
Keyboard - where you hang the ute, and bike keys
Window - What you shut when it's cold
Screen - What you shut in the mozzie season
Byte - What mozzies do
Bit - What mozzies did
Mega Byte - What Townsville mozzies do
Chip - A bar snack
Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
Modem - What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
Laptop - Where the cat sleeps
Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster
Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from Kmart
Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
Mainframe - What holds the shed up
Web - What spiders make
Web Site - The shed or under the verandah
Cursor - The old bloke who swears a lot
Search Engine - What you do when the ute won't go
Yahoo - what you say when the ute does go
Upgrade - A steep hill
Server - The person at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things
Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
Netscape - When fish manoeuvre out of reach of net
Online - When you get the laundry hung out
Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up

10.) No one ever steals your chair.
9.) Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8.) Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7.) People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6.) You want to see if it's like the dream.
5.) To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4.) "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3.) Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2.) Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
1.) Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART STUPID DOG

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-FINGER, 1 3-FINGER, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX,
COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO,
EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
SELLING WASHER & DRYER $300.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 negotiable. No longer needed.
Recently married; wife knows everything.

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the Buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A little old man in the back said, "He should see the back of mine".

1. Combating Stupidity
2. You, too, can do housework
3. PMS -- Learn when to keep your mouth shut
4. How to fill an ice tray
5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas -- Give us money
6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4:00a.m.
7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, "Don't wash my silks")
8. Parenting -- No, it doesn't end with conception
9. Get a life -- learn to cook
10. How not to act like an asshole when you're obviously wrong
11. Spelling -- Even you can get it right
12. Understanding your financial incompetence
13. You -- The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to give flowers
15. How to stay awake after sex

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web-site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your life.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
From screen and from mind.

1. The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
2. The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
3. Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look.
4. Wailer's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
5. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
6. Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense.
7. Conway's First Principle: In any organisation there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
8. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
9. Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.
10. Law of Drunkenness: You can't fall off the floor.
11. Heeler's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
12. Osborne's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't.
13. Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilisation.

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!
9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.
At stoplights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
Two words: Chicken suit.
Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
Stop at the green lights. Go at the red ones.
Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
Eat food that requires silverware.
Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
Sing without having the radio on.
Honk frequently without motivation.
Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
Let pedestrians know who's the boss.
Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
Restart your car at every stoplight.
Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
While stopped at a light, pee out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
Keep at least five cats in the car.
Cheer for fire-trucks.
Stop and collect road kill.
Stop and pray to road kill.
Get in the fast lane and gradually slow down to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
BILL CLINTON: The chicken did NOT cross the road. Not a single time. Never.(It was a boulevard).
HILLARY CLINTON: It was part of a vast right-wing conspiracy against my husband.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross- roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque book.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road ... it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
MICHAEL SCHUMACHER: it was an instinctive manoeuvre, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' trolleys when they aren't looking.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.
Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the toilets.
Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in home wares," and see what happens.
Put some M&M's on lay-by .
Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpeted areas.
Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone."
Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'
Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!"
When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the foetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
Go to the fitting room and yell real loud....."Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!"

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted. 3. Obtain the cat and soothe it while you carry it to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where it will dry itself.

She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
She's been boarded more times than state rail.
She's been mounted more often than Trigger.
She's been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins.
She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.
She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.
She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube.
She's spent more time under men than barstools.
She's seen more traffic than the Sydney Harbour Bridge.
She's had more turnovers than the stock exchange.
She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.
Her body has been declared a national recreation area.
Her diaphragms come with a service contract.
She has an IUD with a beeper.
Her pantyhose has a pet door.

~ 1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

~ 2 star hangover **
No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full on English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are costing the company valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessley surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

~ 3 star hangover ***
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at sunrise. life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning Australia. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't pee'd once.

~ 4 star hangover ****
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars),your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Mt. Druitt high school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following -
1. Home time
2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone.
3. a time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out last night.

~ 5 star hangover, aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell.*****
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe... very gently.

You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.
Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.
A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.
In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
A large carp can be used for a pillow.
Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."
The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
Effective January 1, 2001, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.
Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

1. We know stuff about tanks
2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase
3. We can open all our own jars
4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group
5. We don't have to learn to spell a new last name
6. We can leave a motel bed unmade
7. We can kill our own food
8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
9. Wedding plans take care of themselves
10. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend.
11. Our underwear is $10 a three-pack
12. If you are 34 and single nobody notices
13. Everything on our faces stays the original colour
14. Three pair of shoes are more than enough
15. We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming
16. Car mechanics tell us the truth
17. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me."
18. Same work- more pay
19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character
20. We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift
21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong friends
22. My pals will never trap me with: "So, notice anything different?"
23. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colours
24. We almost never have a "strap problem" in public
25. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes
26. The same hairstyle lasts for years- maybe decades
27. We don't have to shave below the neck
28. A few belches are expected and tolerated
29. Our belly usually hides our big hips
30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons
31. We can do our nails with a pocket-knife
32. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache
33. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and in 45 minutes.

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:

1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10.The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off". And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up!"

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT?
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand-new 22-foot Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power was plied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You KNOW you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the Entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET-PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are CLEVER, you're RICH and Hell you're BETTER LOOKING than them anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also make out with them because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also INVISIBLE to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know ALL the words.

Stage 1 - Stupid
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy a flood of sensations only dimly remembered from previous hangovers, such as the pneumatic drill headache, cloying nausea and beer/bourbon/tequila/(add tipple most consumed night before) breath. You realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life but the ability to concentrate on anything. You are now officially stupid and will probably stay stupid until you get onto your third bacon sandwich.

Stage 2 - Ugly
Never entirely happy with the comic effects of the bathroom mirror first thing, you are horrified to discover that you have now become even less attractive than you thought previously possible. Not only has the combined effect of the booze and smoky/sweaty atmosphere given you a glorious collection of spots but you've either left your makeup on over-night or are shaking so much that you now look like you've shaved with a sanding block. Unfortunately you are still too stupid to know better than to try and shave whilst shaking or to remember the necessary beauty tips to paper over the cracks.

Stage 3 - Poor
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money you got from the cash point to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being stupid, you have no idea what happened to it but the smell of curry on your coat leads you to suspect that you may have treated an entire football team to dinner and beers at some point. Alternatively your pocket will have been picked or you will have given the taxi driver a 20 note by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that stupid and that you would remember being mugged, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any drinks all night and start to loathe all humanity.

Stage 4 - Made of Glass
As you are now a stupid, ugly and poor sociopath, you embody most of the characteristics you hate in other people and your self respect plummets. You're loathing of everyone else in the world is tempered by your fragile physical condition and the fear that you are likely to melt or shatter if handled at all roughly.

Stage 5 - Circus Freak
Luckily, any non-hungover person can spot this condition and its cause from a great distance. Even better, they know that they can complete your misery by parading you in front of your colleagues/family/friends, shouting at you and insisting that you drink things with whole eggs and Worcestershire sauce in, or eat greasy food as "its the only thing that will make you feel better". You are too stupid to know where to hide and too conspicuously ugly to get away with it, too poor to buy Alka-Seltzer and too fragile to hit them.