Doing a job
RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14
times gives you job security. Rome did not
create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing
all those who opposed them. Artificial
Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity. A person
who smiles in the face of adversity ... probably has a
scapegoat. If you can stay calm, while all around you is
chaos ... then you probably haven't completely understood
the seriousness of the situation. If at first you don't
succeed, try management. Never put off until tomorrow
what you can avoid altogether. TEAMWORK ... means never
having to take all the blame yourself. Hang in there,
retirement is only thirty years away! Go the extra mile.
It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. A
snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at
all. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee
break. Indecision is the key to
flexibility. Succeed in spite of
management. Never underestimate the power of very stupid
people in large groups. Plagiarism saves
time. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid
Disappointment. On the keyboard of life, always keep one
finger on the escape key A tree: first you chop it down,
then you chop it up. Anyone can do any amount of work,
provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be
doing. "No comment" is a comment. When the
bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about
themselves. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing
would get done. Environmentalists changed the word
"jungle" to "rain forest," because no one would give them
money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and
wetlands. Religious war, you're basically killing each
other to see who's got the better imaginary
friend. Everybody is somebody else's
weirdo. Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My, what
an attractive scrotum!' Needing someone is like needing a
parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances
are you won't be needing them again. Three
words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my
purse.' There are only two reasons to sit in the back row
of an aeroplane : Either you have diarrhoea, or you're
anxious to meet people who do. Clinton lied. A man might
forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets
oral sex no matter how bad it is. A pat on
the back is only a few centimetres away from a kick in the
arse. Following the rules will not get the job
done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following
the rules. When confronted by a difficult problem, you
can solve it more easily by reducing it to the
question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle
this?" Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a
sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed
like black pimps. Accept that some days you are the
pigeon and some days the statue. Any man who puts dick in
Peanut Butter jar is fucking nuts. Never argue with an
idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with
experience. Everything can be filed under
"miscellaneous." Some people have a way with words,
others not have way. When everything is coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane. Hard work pays off in the
future. Laziness pays off now. Everyone has a
photographic memory. Some just don't have film. Many
people quit looking for work when they find a job. Eagles
may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your
body is required to be on it. Experience is something you
don't get until just after you need it. Success always
occurs in private, and failure in full view. The problem
with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. Monday
is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. The sooner
you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. A
clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. A
fool and his money are soon partying. Plan to be
spontaneous tomorrow. If you think nobody cares about
you, try missing a couple of payments. Drugs may lead to
nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. Borrow money
from pessimists-they don't expect it back. Have you
noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in
your sidewalk? Children are natural mimics. They act like
their parents in spite of every attempt to teach them good
manners. A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows
you to lose all your keys at once. The Web brings people
together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant
you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there.
Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on
fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of
goat'. When in doubt, poke it with a
stick It takes money to make money, because you have to
copy the design exactly. A smart man covers his butt, a
wise man simply leaves his pants on. The trouble with
ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes
along. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing
home. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact
change. You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the
dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right,
I never would have thought of that. The only gracious way
to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can't ignore it, top
it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't laugh at
it, it's probably deserved. People who want to share
their religious views with you almost never want you to share
yours with them. No matter what happens ...
somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. The
one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that,
deep down inside, we ALL believe we are above-average
drivers. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be
replaced, you can't be promoted When you don't know what
to do, walk fast and look worried. If you must choose
between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all
evidence that you tried. If life gives you lemons,
squeeze the juice into a water pistol and shoot other people in the
eyes. If you're not part of the solution, be part of the
problem! If you can't be kind, at least have the decency
to be vague. If you lend someone $20, and never see that
person again, it was probably worth it. If you try and
don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie. It
may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
others. Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school --
you'll be working for them in the future. The early worm
gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late. Do not walk behind
me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not
follow. Do not walk beside me, either. In fact, leave me
the fuck alone. The journey of a thousand miles begins
with a broken fan belt and a leaky tyre. It's always
darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's
newspaper, that's the time to do it. Sex is
like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting
any. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted. Always remember you're unique.
Just like everyone else. Never test the depth of the
water with both feet. It is far more impressive when
others discover your good qualities without your help. If
at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for
you. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach
him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer
all day. If you lend someone $20, and never see that
person again, it was probably worth it. Don't squat with
your spurs on. If you tell the truth, you don't have to
remember anything. If you drink, don't park; accidents
cause people. Some days you are the bug, some days you
are the windshield. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the
first time. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and
a lot of that comes from bad judgment. The quickest way
to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your
pocket. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of
a rain dance. A closed mouth gathers no
foot. Duct tape is like The Force. It has a light side
and a dark side, and it holds the universe
together. There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works. Generally speaking, you aren't
learning much when your mouth is moving. Experience is
something you don't get until just after you need
it. Never miss a good chance to shut
up. We are all born naked, wet, and hungry. From then on
things just get worse. You cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give
in. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are
going to get. No matter how much you care, some people
are just arseholes. You can go anywhere you want if you
look serious and carry a clipboard. It takes years to
build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy
it. You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge
tits. You shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are
more fucked up than you think. Never argue with an idiot.
They drag you down to their level, then beat you with
experience. We are all responsible for what we do, unless
we are celebrities. If you are good, you will be assigned
all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of
it. Regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of
money to take its place. After any salary raise, you will
have less money at the end of the month than you did
before. Sometimes the people you expect to kick you when
you're down will be the ones who do. People who go to
conferences are the ones who shouldn't. We don't have to
ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better
about ourselves. No matter how you try to
protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end
up in the local paper. The people you care
most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less
important ones just never go away. Women
might be able to fake orgasms, but it takes a man to fake whole
relationship. Everything can be filed under
"miscellaneous. Men will never experience childbirth, but
we can open all our own jars. The last person that
quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes
wrong. It's better to be pissed off than pissed
on. No one is listening until you make a
mistake. The only substitute for good manners is fast
reflexes. When trouble arises and things look bad, there
is always one individual who perceives a solution and is
willing to take command. Very often, that person is
crazy. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them
beaten. If you hook a dog to the ceiling fan, the fan is
not strong enough to make him fly like Batman. However, it is
strong enough to fling paint out of a paint can in a 20 foot
radius. If you hear the toilet flush and the words UH-OH,
it is already too late. A king size water bed holds
enough water to fill your entire house with 4 inches of
water. No matter how many boxes of JellY you put in a
swimming pool, you still can't walk on water. You should
always look in the oven before you turn it on. Putting
the cat in the drier will make it extremely dizzy. A
dizzy cat can throw up 4 times its body weight. Some
people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot
them. Beauty is in the eye of the beer
holder. God must love stupid people; He made so
many. It's lonely at the top, but you eat
better. Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and
spill your drink. Always remember you're unique just like
everyone else. The more you complain, the longer God
makes you live. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies
like a banana. The trouble with life is there's no
background music. The main reason Santa is so jolly is
because he knows where all the bad girls
live. One nice thing about egotists: they don't
talk about other people. Love means never having to
say, "Does that twenty include the spanking?" To
truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't
kill you to wash your hands in between either. We
cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in
the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to
wreck revenge on everyone who ever screwed us in the
past. If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give
thanks. Then when Life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to
the groin. That'll learn him. Dreaming frees the soul,
energises the spirit and allows you to do things that would get
your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them. Sex is
one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are
unimportant. Women should not have children after
35. Really...35 children are enough After all is said and
done, usually more is said than done. "No one ever says
"It's only a game," when their team is winning." Home is
where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you
anyway. Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if
you take them while driving. The two most common elements
in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity Money can't
buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
with. Nothing in the known universe travels faster
than a bad check. A truly wise man never plays
leapfrog with a unicorn. It has recently been
discovered that research causes cancer in rats. If
you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your
book. The average woman would rather have beauty
than brains because the average man can see better than he
can think. Clothes make the man. Naked people have
little or no influence on society. Vital papers
will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to
where you can't find them. Lettin' the cat outta
the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back
in. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look
back every now and then to make sure it's still
there. If you get to thinking you're a person of
some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog
around. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a
flock of sheep. Never miss a good chance to shut
up. It's easy to criticise, but if everybody hated
you, you'd be paranoid too. In a country of free
speech, why are there phone bills? If the post
office has machines that can sort mail at 1000's of
times per minute, then why do they give it to a little old
man on a bike to deliver? The difference between
the Pope and your boss: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
The only time the world beats a path to
your door is if you're in the bathroom. It used to
be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,
there's shipping and handling too.
A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression
he just cleaned the whole house.
The only thing wrong with a beautiful drive to work is that you still end up at work.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application
of high explosives.
Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you
can't wait to throw up.
